Am typing this out on Microsoft Words, and I’m feeling emotional.. and sleepy.

I feel disappointed with myself, really. Like.. I totally just say it’s difficult or I don’t like it without even trying sometimes. Or like saying I cannot do it. I mean….. where’s the confidence and the urge to learn? I totally fear disappointment and committing mistakes. But isn’t that where we learn from? I know it’s always easier said than done. And that I should just do my job, and not think too much. Not expecting praises, or comparing with others. I have a super tendency to be influenced by what others say. But I have to learn to change from that! I have to learn to be decisive on most matters, and not fear. I have to give my all, and not think.. aiya paiseh. Or anything like that. I should try to be positive, and spend each day meaningfully. I should try to stop procrastinating. I have to.

It’s really not easy. Knowing your flaws and yet not change. But can one leopard really change its spots so easily? It’s not a matter of taking an eraser and rubbing off the spots you know. I need to be more honest with myself, and have confidence. Even if the tasks being handled are easy, so what? I’m learning right now. Thing is that I have faith, have inquisitiveness, and am willing to learn and plunge into the deep waters.

That’s perhaps what life truly is? To not let others dare or force you. Instead, let’s open up, and be willing to plunge, instead of thrown in the waters. Can ya understand the difference? Life… what’s it honestly? I don’t know. But I intend to try and find out what I want at least. Right now, I do not know what I want. I do not know how I want to lead it. But I do know, that I have to slowly but yet.. forcing myself to figure it out.

I dunnoe if I sound contradicting. But this is what I really feel. I dun like it that I always say I cannot do, or dun have time, etc. so that’s where change takes place. And learning takes place. I really want to change, I do.

On a sidenote, I had a thought 2 or three weeks ago, and I always hated questions like who do you admire the most. I felt that I had to crap the most for these questions! It’s truly sick. However, I realized lately that I do know the answer for this question. If I had to answer, I would say that the people I admire the most are Heng 哥哥 and YiLing 姐姐. They have a thirst and strive for knowledge, and are always on the go to improvise themselves, to make themselves stronger, and yet, more attractive and employable. Apart from cultivating themselves to be ideal candidates, this thirst in fact makes them more admirable as a person, as they seek improvement for no one else but themselves, simply because they want to learn more, and of course, increase their attractiveness. The underlining thing, however, is that they seek self improvement, and such a person is whom I really want to be developed into. Learning; as a form of survivability in the society, as well enabling myself to benefit from it, as I can grow in terms of skills and personal character.

I really want to change the bad habits that I have, as well as the negativities that I carry even to work place. Even if I want to change to the shop floor, which is practically impossible, I still have to learn to be professional, and to not think about it, but to simply perform my job to the best of my ability. I have always said. It may be a simple job, but it is necessary to complete the circle. This might sound like an excuse but its truly correct. However, I still have to seek self improvement and not desire a job where ambiguity is none and everything is standard. What’s there to learn then, deshou?

I have to learn. Smile. Be positive and optimistic.

For now, I have to sleep. Since I have work tomorrow. Nite guys.

Internets not working now. So will not post as yet.

11/04/2007, 0021 hours.

syLvie missing all u guys out there..







11/04/2007, 2319 hours.
During lunch today, Alvin said something really weird! Nah.. nt weird. Haha just damn shittified. He said… “You this kind ah, the most scary (I think? Haha!) Dunnoe str8 or bi. Dun like guys or girls.” Haha!!

Whatcha guys think? Do u share the same views as Alvin? Haha! That I’m scary? Or do you guys think I’m totally normal and straight?

I’d put a poll here, but I dunnoe how. HAHA!! So.. too bad. You guys could use the tagboard though! lolZ.

Ok… im gonna post this now. Haha. Time check: 2324 hours.

visited by an angel at 8:17 AM

0kisses of an angel